Friendship… is pure gift. It is more than practical help and support. It is mutual enjoyment. It implies this letting go, this freedom to let go.
Thomas Merton
Friendship Is Pure Gift
Topic: Family & Friendship
But when you get to Friendship, it is pure gift. It is more than practical help and support. It is mutual enjoyment. It implies this letting go, this freedom to let go.
Born on 31 January 1915, Thomas Merton was a significant spiritual thinker of the 20th century. Raised in a non-religious household, his spiritual journey eventually led him to the Roman Catholic Church, and later, into the Cistercian Order of the Strict Observance, more commonly known as the Trappists, at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky. Merton adopted a life of monastic contemplation, but his profound reflections on faith, spirituality, and society went on to have a widespread impact. As a writer, his diverse oeuvre included poetry, essays, and over 70 books, touching on a broad spectrum of spiritual traditions and social issues.
Merton's works often showcased his deep commitment to fostering understanding among different faiths. As a student of comparative religion, he sought to highlight the universal values and shared wisdom that transcended the boundaries of individual faith traditions. His exploration of Eastern religions and their intersections with Christian mysticism was particularly groundbreaking for its time. Merton's dialogues with leading Asian spiritual figures, such as the Dalai Lama, D.T. Suzuki, a prominent scholar of Zen Buddhism, and Thich Nhat Hanh, a renowned Vietnamese monk, further cemented his reputation as a pioneering figure in interfaith dialogue.
Unfortunately, Merton's life was tragically cut short when he died on 10 December 1968. Despite his untimely death, his influence continues to reverberate in contemporary religious and spiritual discourse. Through his writings and activism, Merton fostered a greater awareness of social justice issues within the church and inspired a more inclusive, holistic approach to spirituality. His legacy as a monastic scholar, a prolific writer, and a tireless advocate for interfaith understanding endures, solidifying his place as one of the most influential Catholic figures of the 20th century.
Merton, Thomas. "Marxism and Monastic Perspective." Paper presented at the Bangkok conference of Benedictine and Trappist Abbots, December 10, 1968. Quoted in Br. David Steindl-Rast, OSB, "Thomas Merton: Now at the Crack of Dawn." Gratefulness.org, n.d. Web. October 18, 2023.
Thomas Merton
Theme: Spiritual Friendship
About This Thomas Merton Quotation [Commentary]
Thomas Merton’s reflections on friendship highlight its transcendent and liberating nature, describing it as a “pure gift” beyond practical support or companionship. Merton contrasts comradeship, defined by mutual reliance like two sides of a stepladder, with true friendship, marked by mutual enjoyment and freedom. He emphasizes that true friends “fly with one another, but they are not tied to one another.” Using the Sufi metaphor of untethered birds, Merton illustrates how meaningful relationships thrive when connection coexists with autonomy, free from binding obligations.
At the heart of Merton’s view is the belief that friendship nurtures inner freedom rather than dependence. True friends support and uplift one another without creating entanglements or constraints. This dynamic aligns with his contemplative approach to life, which values spiritual independence and inner liberty. By letting go of the need to control or cling to one another, friends allow for authentic growth. For Merton, friendship transcends the social and practical, becoming essential for spiritual flourishing. It celebrates the other’s individuality while fostering a shared sense of connection.
Merton also connects friendship with the contemplative life, where freedom and connection harmonize. Just as contemplation liberates the soul from external dependencies, friendship models a way to honor individuality while building deep bonds. This paradox of intimacy and independence reveals a relational truth: relationships grounded in freedom enhance both personal growth and collective joy. In this way, Merton’s understanding of friendship reflects the contemplative journey itself—uniting individuals in love while allowing them to stand firmly on their own spiritual ground.
David Steindl-Rast’s Commentary
This quote is cited in David Steindl-Rast’s essay Now at the Crack of Dawn [Excerpted Passage]
“Meaning is what really counts in our lives. If our life is filled to the brim with purpose, we may one day wake up and still wonder: Where is the meaning of it all? Purpose is not of itself meaningful. We must give meaning to our purpose; we must allow meaning to flow into our purpose, opening our hearts and giving ourselves to the Word of God, to the situation. There is more than purposefulness, and if we come to see it on many different levels, what really matters is not the useful but the superfluous! All the great things in life, like poetry and music and friendship are totally superfluous – superfluous in the sense of superfluity, of an overflowing, of not fulfilling any particular practical need, but being gratis. Then we come to see that the whole world is really superfluous. Who needs it?
We create the impression sometimes that God worked hard to make himself a world. Well, did he need it in the first place? No. It’s a superfluity of his love; it’s a superfluity of his enjoyment. It’s not like someone making a woolen sweater against the cold, or a fan against the heat. No, it’s much more like someone singing a song (in the shower, maybe, just for enjoyment). It is like someone dancing, an image often used in spiritual tradition – God as the Cosmic Dancer. Much more than work or purpose, all of creation is play, unfolding of meaning, celebration of the meaning that is at the root of it all.
This is where Merton’s vision of the monk at the margin of society comes in, the monk as being totally superfluous. Nobody needs the monk, and yet, from another point of view, nobody needs anything as urgently as we need monks. For we need nothing more urgently than the superfluous. What would life be without poetry? What would life be without music? What would life be without friendship? But real friendship goes far beyond comradeship, where you still need one another. Comrades, like two sides of a step-ladder, hold one another up. But when you get to friendship, it is pure gift. It is more than practical help and support. It is mutual enjoyment. It implies this letting go, this freedom to let go. I am not bound to you. As the Sufis say, “Two birds tied to one another do not fly better for having four wings.” That is something true friends understand. They fly with one another, but they are not tied to one another. They are completely free.The realm of our life where the superfluous matters most is our contemplative life. In that sense all of us have a contemplative life. The contemplative life of every human being consists in the search for meaning over and beyond purpose.”
―Steindl-Rast, David. Now at the Crack of Dawn: The Essence of the Monastic Life. Crossroad Publishing Company, 2000.
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