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All you need to have self-compassion is to be a flawed human being like everyone else. It’s a constant source of support and refuge.

Kristin Neff, PhD

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Self-Compassion

Topic: Love, Compassion, & Kindness

Self-esteem is a fair-weather friend. It’s there when things go well but deserts you when things go badly, just when you need it most. Self-compassion is a perfect alternative to self-esteem. It doesn’t require feeling better than others, it isn’t contingent on other people liking you, and it doesn’t require getting things right. All you need to have self-compassion is to be a flawed human being like everyone else. It’s a constant source of support and refuge. 

Kristin Neff, PhD

Kristin Neff was born on March 26, 1966, in Germany, where she spent the first several years of her life before moving to the United States. Her academic journey began at UCLA, where she studied cultural moral development, eventually earning her doctorate. Notably, she worked with Elliot Turiel, a pioneer in the psychology of moral development, laying a robust foundation for her later work on self-compassion. She now serves as an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, bringing deep expertise to the human development and culture research areas.

Neff's personal life and academic pursuits intersect in her engagement with Zen Buddhism and the practice of mindfulness. Influenced by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, she has integrated meditative practices into her research methodology and personal life. This convergence of Eastern philosophy and academic rigor led her to co-found the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion with research psychologist Dr. Chris Germer. Together, they've worked to advance scientific understanding of self-compassion through evidence-based techniques. Her most influential books, "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" and "Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive," have expanded this knowledge beyond academia, providing accessible insights for the general public.

In another blend of personal and professional endeavors, Neff and her family traveled to Mongolia to film "The Horse Boy," a documentary exploring equine therapy for autism, which features her autistic son. This journey was not merely an external adventure but an inner one, reaffirming her belief in the interconnectedness of well-being, love, and acceptance. Through academic study, personal practice, and experiential learning, Kristin Neff has constructed a life that serves as a testament to the transformative power of self-compassion and its essential role in mental well-being.

Humanism, Arts and Sciences

Neff, Kristin. Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive. Harper Wave, 2021.

Kristin Neff, PhD


Theme: Compassion

About Kristin Neff’s Quote [Commentary]

Kristin Neff names the problem plainly: “Self-esteem is a fair-weather friend.” It “is there when things go well but deserts you when things go badly, just when you need it most.” When our sense of worth depends on performance, approval, or comparison, it can vanish at the very moment we most want steadiness.

Kristin Neff offers “a perfect alternative to self-esteem”: “self-compassion.” She stresses what it doesn’t demand. It “doesn’t require feeling better than others,” “isn’t contingent on other people liking you,” and “doesn’t require getting things right.” This is Compassion that does not depend on winning, impressing, or being above anyone else; it stays available in the middle of ordinary mistakes, setbacks, and repair.

Then Kristin Neff makes the entry point simple and human: “All you need to have self-compassion is to be a flawed human being like everyone else.” That shared condition—flawed, learning, sometimes struggling—is not a disqualifier but the requirement. Because it is not reserved for the “right” version of any person, “It’s a constant source of support and refuge,” something we can return to when things go well and when they go badly.

Additional Kristin Neff Quotes

“Compassion is, by definition, relational. Compassion literally means ‘to suffer with,’ which implies a basic mutuality in the experience of suffering. The emotion of compassion springs from the recognition that the human experience is imperfect.”

—Kristin Neff, “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”.

“Far from encouraging passivity or indulgence, self-compassion provides us with the strength and clarity to confront our weaknesses and make meaningful changes in our lives.”

—Kristin Neff, “Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive,” (2021, p. 12).

“Gender roles often compel women to be caretakers for others, sometimes at the expense of caring for themselves. Self-compassion enables women to balance kindness towards others with essential self-care.”

—Kristin Neff, “Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive,” (2021, p. 67).

“When qualities of kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness are applied toward the suffering of others, they manifest as compassion. When they’re applied to our own suffering, they manifest as self-compassion. When they’re directed toward others’ positive qualities, they manifest as mudita: sympathetic joy. And when they’re directed toward our own positive qualities, they manifest as self-appreciation.”

―Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse

“Do you have any other advice?” asked the boy. “Don’t measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated,” said the horse. “Always remember you matter, you’re important and you are loved, and you bring to the world things no one else can.”

—Charlie Mackesy, “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse,” (2019)

In the depths of our human journey, two voices whisper to us: one of unworthiness and the other of immeasurable value. The horse in Charlie Mackesy’s “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” advises the boy, and by extension each of us, to heed the latter. When we’re told not to measure our worth by how we’re treated, the underlying invitation is to anchor ourselves in an inner sanctuary of compassion. This mirrors Kristin Neff’s wisdom about self-compassion being not a retreat from the world but a robust foundation from which we can honestly address our limitations and grow. When we embrace ourselves with compassion, we extend this grace to others. Both messages nurture this cycle of love, urging us to recognize the divine spark in ourselves and fan it into a flame that warms both us and our neighbors.

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previous

All you need to have self-compassion is to be a flawed human being like everyone else. It’s a constant source of support and refuge.

Kristin Neff, PhD

next

Self-Compassion

Topic: Love, Compassion, & Kindness

Self-esteem is a fair-weather friend. It’s there when things go well but deserts you when things go badly, just when you need it most. Self-compassion is a perfect alternative to self-esteem. It doesn’t require feeling better than others, it isn’t contingent on other people liking you, and it doesn’t require getting things right. All you need to have self-compassion is to be a flawed human being like everyone else. It’s a constant source of support and refuge. 

Kristin Neff, PhD

Kristin Neff was born on March 26, 1966, in Germany, where she spent the first several years of her life before moving to the United States. Her academic journey began at UCLA, where she studied cultural moral development, eventually earning her doctorate. Notably, she worked with Elliot Turiel, a pioneer in the psychology of moral development, laying a robust foundation for her later work on self-compassion. She now serves as an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, bringing deep expertise to the human development and culture research areas.

Neff's personal life and academic pursuits intersect in her engagement with Zen Buddhism and the practice of mindfulness. Influenced by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, she has integrated meditative practices into her research methodology and personal life. This convergence of Eastern philosophy and academic rigor led her to co-found the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion with research psychologist Dr. Chris Germer. Together, they've worked to advance scientific understanding of self-compassion through evidence-based techniques. Her most influential books, "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" and "Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive," have expanded this knowledge beyond academia, providing accessible insights for the general public.

In another blend of personal and professional endeavors, Neff and her family traveled to Mongolia to film "The Horse Boy," a documentary exploring equine therapy for autism, which features her autistic son. This journey was not merely an external adventure but an inner one, reaffirming her belief in the interconnectedness of well-being, love, and acceptance. Through academic study, personal practice, and experiential learning, Kristin Neff has constructed a life that serves as a testament to the transformative power of self-compassion and its essential role in mental well-being.

Humanism, Arts and Sciences

Neff, Kristin. Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive. Harper Wave, 2021.

Kristin Neff, PhD


Theme: Compassion

About Kristin Neff’s Quote [Commentary]

Kristin Neff names the problem plainly: “Self-esteem is a fair-weather friend.” It “is there when things go well but deserts you when things go badly, just when you need it most.” When our sense of worth depends on performance, approval, or comparison, it can vanish at the very moment we most want steadiness.

Kristin Neff offers “a perfect alternative to self-esteem”: “self-compassion.” She stresses what it doesn’t demand. It “doesn’t require feeling better than others,” “isn’t contingent on other people liking you,” and “doesn’t require getting things right.” This is Compassion that does not depend on winning, impressing, or being above anyone else; it stays available in the middle of ordinary mistakes, setbacks, and repair.

Then Kristin Neff makes the entry point simple and human: “All you need to have self-compassion is to be a flawed human being like everyone else.” That shared condition—flawed, learning, sometimes struggling—is not a disqualifier but the requirement. Because it is not reserved for the “right” version of any person, “It’s a constant source of support and refuge,” something we can return to when things go well and when they go badly.

Additional Kristin Neff Quotes

“Compassion is, by definition, relational. Compassion literally means ‘to suffer with,’ which implies a basic mutuality in the experience of suffering. The emotion of compassion springs from the recognition that the human experience is imperfect.”

—Kristin Neff, “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”.

“Far from encouraging passivity or indulgence, self-compassion provides us with the strength and clarity to confront our weaknesses and make meaningful changes in our lives.”

—Kristin Neff, “Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive,” (2021, p. 12).

“Gender roles often compel women to be caretakers for others, sometimes at the expense of caring for themselves. Self-compassion enables women to balance kindness towards others with essential self-care.”

—Kristin Neff, “Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive,” (2021, p. 67).

“When qualities of kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness are applied toward the suffering of others, they manifest as compassion. When they’re applied to our own suffering, they manifest as self-compassion. When they’re directed toward others’ positive qualities, they manifest as mudita: sympathetic joy. And when they’re directed toward our own positive qualities, they manifest as self-appreciation.”

―Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse

“Do you have any other advice?” asked the boy. “Don’t measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated,” said the horse. “Always remember you matter, you’re important and you are loved, and you bring to the world things no one else can.”

—Charlie Mackesy, “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse,” (2019)

In the depths of our human journey, two voices whisper to us: one of unworthiness and the other of immeasurable value. The horse in Charlie Mackesy’s “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse” advises the boy, and by extension each of us, to heed the latter. When we’re told not to measure our worth by how we’re treated, the underlying invitation is to anchor ourselves in an inner sanctuary of compassion. This mirrors Kristin Neff’s wisdom about self-compassion being not a retreat from the world but a robust foundation from which we can honestly address our limitations and grow. When we embrace ourselves with compassion, we extend this grace to others. Both messages nurture this cycle of love, urging us to recognize the divine spark in ourselves and fan it into a flame that warms both us and our neighbors.

Resources

Related Quotes

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