True Belonging

Excerpt from the On Being with Krista Tippett Conversation

MS. TIPPETT: So you use this language of “true belonging.” So talk about what are the qualities of true belonging, as opposed to those many things we do that feel like belonging but, as you say, are a hollow substitute for true belonging. What is that?

MS. BROWN: Well, when I started looking into belonging, and I started really wanting to understand the bones of belonging—what does it mean? How do we, from a researcher’s perspective—and probably my own personal armor, really—is: What are the data here? What exactly is happening here? And I think the first thing that was surprising to me is that at the very heart of belonging is spirituality—not religion, not dogma, but spirituality, and a very important, specific tenet of spirituality, which I believe cuts across faith and denomination and belief system. And by “spirituality” I mean the deeply held belief that we’re inextricably connected to each other by something greater than us. And that thing that is greater than us is rooted in love and compassion—that there’s something bigger than us and that we are connected to each other in a way that cannot be severed.

And so when I started to look at belonging, what I realized is that it is a spiritual practice, and it’s the spiritual practice of believing in ourselves and belonging to ourselves so fully that we find what’s sacred in not only being a part of something, like our DNA calls us to be, but also, we find sacred the need, on occasion, to stand alone in our values, in our beliefs, when we’re called to do that, as well. And so, to me, this idea of true belonging is a type of belonging that never requires us to be inauthentic or change who we are, but a type of belonging that demands who we are—that we be who we are—even when we jeopardize connection with other people, even when we have to say, “I disagree. That’s not funny. I’m not on board.”

MS. TIPPETT: Right. So I think—all the way through this thinking and writing you do, and especially as it continues to develop—you use the word “paradox” a lot. I also overuse the word “paradox.” But the thing is, that sounds like a—can sound like an academic word, but in fact, it is just a description of the way life works and the fact that we are not a combination of either/ors. We are just this multitude of both/ands, at any given moment. So this thing, the spiritual practice of belonging, is also being able to stand alone when called to do so. And then, also, the contrast of that with loneliness, which is this crisis—but that somehow, also, to combat this crisis of loneliness, we have to learn the spiritual practice of being able to stand alone when we’re called to do that, as part of the practice of belonging.

MS. BROWN: Yeah, it sounds so—I always think about the Latin “paradoxum.” The source of the word means “seemingly absurd, but really true.” What we’re both saying sounds crazy. But I think our need to push away the word “paradox,” and the need to—our need for either/or, not “and,” is driven by our lack of capacity for vulnerability. It’s really hard to straddle the tension of yes/and. It’s really hard to straddle that, “Yes, I want to belong, I want to be a part of something bigger than me”—and, “I’m willing to stand alone when I need to.”

—Brown, Brené. “Dr. Brené Brown—Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart.” Edited by Krista Tippett, On Being with Krista Tippett, The On Being Project, On Being Studios, onbeing.org/programs/brene-brown-strong-back-soft-front-wild-heart-feb2018/.